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The best jokes and joke writers!

Truck Black Box

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states, the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Simple Answer

In one Intensive Care Unit patients always died in the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had their camera phones set to video the event. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened , then housekeeping came in, disconnected the power cord from life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

The Oldest Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"  "That's my business! Get me the course!"  Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.  Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.  Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"  In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Fire Blond

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH!  The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand!  We're OK with redheads!" "OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell  "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

Croaking Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now". So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"