On the Edge

There’s a knock on the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks out and sees a man waiting to come in. Saint Peter goes out and is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there’s another knock. Again Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears. Saint Peter has just gone back inside when there’s yet another knock. Sure enough, the man is back standing at the Gates. “Are you playing games?” says Saint Peter. “No,” replies the man. “ They’re trying to resuscitate me.”

Rude Doctor!

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.  They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.  Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.  "Mr. Jones?",  the doctor asks.  "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"  The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."  "Oh my God", says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"  "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."   Mr. Jones begins to sob.  "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."  Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course", the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."  Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails.  The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."  Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. 
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just messing with you, dude.  You don't have to do all that stuff.  She's dead!"

Funeral

A mother driving her two young boys to a funeral, she tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. At the grave site she discovered her explanations weren't as thorough as she'd thought. In a loud voice, her four-year-old asked, "Mom?" "Yes?" "What's in the box?"