Marriage Advice

My marriage counselor said, "When your wife annoys you, go to your happy place." I replied, "That'll make things worse. She hates when I go to the bar."

Proctologists and Bartenders

Q: What's the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: The proctologist only handles one a**hole at a time.

Debate for the Best Bar

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five." The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."