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The best jokes and joke writers!

'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.

And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head

And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:

"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done

He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

Name Please

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"

Guy:  Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink.

Waiter:  I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.  Mine for instance is called 'Nike" for the slogan 'Just Do It'.  That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over.  So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"

Other customer:  Timex!

First guy:  Why Timex?

Other guy:  Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

First guy: What's the name of your penis?

Second guy:  Ford!  Because quality is job #1!  Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

Guy:  Bartender!  The name of my penis is "Secret'!

Waiter:  (pouring beer)  Why 'Secret'?

Guy:  (proudly)  Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

Break In

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "Yeah! A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of busted nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Big Joe

There was an old hermit couple living on a mountain until one day the mans wife died. Everything was fine for about three months but he got lonely so he went down the mountain to the town and went into the bar. He sat down and ordered a beer and asked the bartender, "Hey do 'ya have any women?" The bartender said, "No but we have big Joe." The man said, "I ain't like that" and stormed off back to the mountain. Three more months go by and the man decides to try asking again. He comes into the bar and says, "Hey do you have any women yet?" The bartender said, "No, just big Joe," so the man said, "I ain't like that" and again stormed out. After a year or so the old man decided to try once more so he goes down the mountain, into the bar and asks if they have any women. The bartender gave the usual reply, "Just big Joe." The old hermit said, "No I ain't like that," but stayed and had a few drinks. He asked the bartender, "If I were to do this thing with big Joe who all would know?" The bartender said, "Well me and you and big Joe of course and those two large men over there." The old hermit was taken back and said, "Why those two?" The bartender replied, "Well, somebody has to hold down big Joe, he ain't like that either."

Looking For Jean Paul

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs and bars. This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days. At this, the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The conversation follows:

Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.

Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.

Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.

Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.

Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.

Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?

Krachevski: Ya! Ya!

Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?

Krachevski: Most certainly.

Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?

Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!"