Golden Bar

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. ''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door. ''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replies her husband, who is plainly drunk. The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed. The next day she finds the Golden Bar's phone number and calls it up. ''Hello, is this the Golden Bar?'' she asks. ''Yes, this is, ma'am,'' replies the man on the other line. ''Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden stools?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden cups?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden toilets?'' There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak. ''Hey Jimmy,'' he calls into the bar, ''I think we found out who shit in your tuba!''

Wife at a Singles Bar

"I met my wife at a singles' bar." "Really?" "I thought she was home with the kids."

Little Bastard

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges. Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket. The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says, "explain yourself, or leave." Guy says, "Well... I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beautiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!" "Third wish... I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"