Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.  The clock struck one, but the rest got away with minor injuries.

A Snake in Your Toilet

Q: What do you do if you find a venomous snake in your toilet?
A: Wait until he's finished!

Bird Shopping

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left."
He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one is too skinny. What else do you have?" says the man.The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"