New Weight Loss Clinic

A guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

Cave Dweller

Q: What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
A: Stalagmice!

The New Car

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car. So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. "But," he said to the salesperson, "I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the 'Z' replaced with an 'S?'" The dealer said yes, and it was done. And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, "Wow, look at that S-car-go."