Women vs. Dogs

Q: What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?
A: If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.

The ages of man

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: ' To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.'  And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded,  'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.  Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Service Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, What the hell, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"