Never Talk to the Parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Favorites

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle. "I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur. "I love him more than you," I replied. She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most." I said, "You misunderstood me."

Owe Yo Mama

How much do I owe Yo' Mama? My dog came home happy last night.