Attack Dog

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Large Condom Quantity

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"

Man's Best Friend

A bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed. "Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend. "Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do? "The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over" Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend? "The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"