Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog

Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There's potpourri hanging from your pooch's collar.
9. The dog's nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Redneck Half-Shell

Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.

Arrested Pig -Riddles

Q: When the officer arrested the pig, what did he put on his wrists?
A: Ham cuffs.