Retiree @Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The world needs more humor - take care of our retirees!

Insect jokes

• Q: Where would you put an injured insect?
  A: In an antbulance!
• Q: What's an insects best chat up line?
  A: Pardon me, but is this stool taken!
• Q: What has four wheels and flies?
  A: A garbage truck!
• Q: What happened to the man who turned into an insect?
  A: He just beetled off!
• Q: What is green and brown, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?
  A: A pool table?
• Q: What lives in gum trees?
  A: Stick insects!
• Q: How do we know that insects are so clever?
  A: Because they always know when you're eating outside!
• Q: What is the insect's favorite game?
  A: Cricket! 

Crossing Elephant & Whale

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.