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Alcohol Jokes
Stolen Car
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
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Two Dollars
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
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Praise the Lord
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
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