Profession Jokes - Police Jokes

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Crosley, but we have some information about your wife."  "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"  Fearing the worse, Mr. Crosley said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."  "Oh my god!," said Mr. Crosley, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."  "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Crosley demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

It's Super Bowl Sunday and a man is heading home to watch the big game. As he passes under a bridge, a cop takes off after him and they both pull to the side of the road.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" "Gee, no, I thought I was doing the speed limit." "Well according to my radar gun, you were going 49 in a 45 zone."

Outraged by the fact that he just got pulled over for going 4 miles over the limit and the game was about to start, he begins to get visibly frustrated. "Oh come ON! You pulled me over for that? I have someplace I REALLY need to be."

The cop isn't impressed. "What, are you a doctor or something? Is someone dying?" "Funny you should mention that, because I am a doctor." "Really, now? What kind of doc are ya?" "Well, in simple terms, I'm an asshole stretcher." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, I stretch assholes."

"I'm sorry, but I don't see..." "Look, it's real simple. I take someone's asshole and stretch it little by little until it gets to about 6 feet wide." The cop, genuinely confused and shocked, asks: "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

"Well you give him a radar gun and stick him under a bridge."

Doesn't it annoy you when

• ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
• ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
• ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
• ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
• ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
• ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
• ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
• ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
• ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
• ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
• ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
• ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
• ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
• ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Q: Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?

A: Yeah... the cops got nothing to go on.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!