Glazed

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

The Blond and the Night Watchman

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well,"  he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

I've got a rash

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The man comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked, so he tells the doctor. The doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work. The man comes back and the cream still hasn't worked, so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"