Break-In

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.
A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and shot the man. He's not going anywhere. Within minutes the place is swarming with police, helicopters, cars, dogs, etc. They find the man breaking into the shed and arrest him.
The police go to the man, "I thought you said you shot him!" The man responds "I thought you said you had no one available."
 

Operation

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure

Bending

The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it a lot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"