Today's Special

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart:
Greetings: "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud:"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble: "Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression: "Fuck you."
Disgust: "Fuck me."
Confusion: "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair: "Fucked again."
Exasperation: "For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment: "This is fucking great."
Hostility: "I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity: "Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence: "He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance: "Fuck if I know."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass."
Surprise: "Fuckin A!"
Surprise: "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion: "What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Irish Radio Minute Quiz Answers

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...
1. ?Q: Something a blind man might use?
A   A sword
2. Q: A Song with the word Moon in the title?
A: Blue Suede Moon
3  Q  Name the Capital of France?
A: "F"
4  Q  Name a bird with a long neck?
A: Naomi Campbell
5  Q  Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A: A burglar
6  Q  Where is the Taj Mahal?
A: Opposite the dental hospital
7  Q  What is Hitler's first name
A: Heil
8  Q  As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A: A pig in sh*t
9  Q  Some famous brothers
A: Bonnie and Clyde.
1 . Q   A dangerous race
A: The Arabs
1 . Q   Something that floats in a bath
A: Water
1 . Q   An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A: A horse
1 . Q   Something you wear on a beach
A: A deck-chair
1 . Q   A famous Royal
A: Mail
1 . Q   Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A: A bicycle with wings
1 . Q   A famous bridge
A: The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
1 . Q   Something a cat does
A: Goes to the toilet
1 . Q   Something you do in the bathroom
A: Decorate
1 . Q   A method of securing your home
A: Put the kettle on
2 . Q   Something associated with pigs
A: The Police
2 . Q   A sign of the Zodiac
A: April
2 . Q   Something people might be allergic to
A: Skiing
2 . Q   Something you do before you go to bed
A: Sleep
2 . Q   Something you put on walls
A: A roof
2 . Q  Something slippery
A: A con-man
2 . Q  A kind of ache
A: A fillet of fish
2 . Q  A Jacket Potato topping
A: Jam
2 . Q  A food that can be brown or white
A: A potato
2 . Q  A famous Scotsman
A: Jock
3 . Q  A famous Welshman
A: Vinnie Jones
3 . Q  Something you open other than a door
A: Your bowels