Hypnotist and Students in Auditorium

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word. Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"

Getting on Television

Q: How do you get on television?
A: You sit on it!

Dumb Part

Q: What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
A: His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.