Signs and Notices 17

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
• An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
• Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
• On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
• A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
• Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

North V. South

• The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.
• The North has coffeehouses. The South has Waffle Houses.
• The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
• The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
• The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
• The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
• The North has the Mafia. The South has NASCAR.
• The North has Indy car races. The South has Swamp Buggy races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal. The South has grits.
• The North has green salads. The South has collard greens and chitlins.
• The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
• The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores. The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners.
• The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
• The North has Dan Quayle. The South has Bill Clinton.

Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found that there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.  "How did you like that jump, Buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"