Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

Blondes on an Iceberg

Two blondes were stranded on an iceberg with only a telescope. One of the blondes was looking through the telescope and said, ''We're saved! Look, it's the Titanic!''

The Nun and the Fortune Teller

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself  "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me". So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you're going to Chicago, Illinois". So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself  "it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again". So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle."  She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said "this is incredible I've got to try it again." So she went back to the machine, put her nickel in and another card came out and it said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind." She thinks "I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex." She said "ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none." Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport. She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!"