Angry Drivers Meet

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?" 

Arkansan Citizens Trip

ATTENTION  All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff
1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.
2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).
3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.
4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.
5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops.
6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.
7. Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we don't want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs... just making a hell of a mess.
8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't want to set him off.
9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, don't say "stump juice". Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).
10. And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick, "It's time for change!" As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

Far East

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."