Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Top 10 Bumper Stickers!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Things in Life I've Learned

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
• I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
• I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
• I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.