Signs You are an Internet Geek

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek...

1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
4. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
9. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
10. And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
    Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Waiting For Date

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a mo-ped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.