Different Between Yoga Instructor and Torturer

Q: What is the difference between a yoga instructor and a torturer?
A: The torturer apologizes first!

Piece of Rope

Q: Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
A: He was the skipper!

Bert's New Golf Shoes

Bert is 85 years old and always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples wore on his tour.   So, seeing a pair on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's  different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and  it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
“IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"