Psychiatric Hospital Patients

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: What are you doing? The guy replies: I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot. Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: What are you doing? The guy replies: I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf. Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: What are you doing? The guy replies: I'M FUCKING NUTS!

Hit Man

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.""No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag." The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living." "Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her." The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man. The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it." "Which one?" said the hit man. "Both," said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know." "I don't care, hit 'em both."
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "Blow his nuts off" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway." "Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."

Bosnian Footballer

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears..."...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"