Top 20 Timeless Golf Quotes

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.~ H G Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino

The Hunting Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck and that the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says,  "Ok, truck drivers are not nerds", and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Dallas Cowboys Playing Surface

Q: Why do the Dallas Cowboys now play on dirt?
A: Because Leon Lett smoked all the grass and sniffed all the lines.