NFL Record

Q: What NFL record did Aaron Hernandez just set?
A: Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt.

Olympic Bobsled

Q: Why did the USA Bobsled team name their Olympic sled 'Biden'?
A: Because nothing has taken America downhill faster

Kid Divorces His Parents.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.  The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?"  The kid says, "no! he beats me!".  The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?"  "No! she beats me too!".  So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"  The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"