Men Like Microwave Dinners

Q: Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
A: They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have".  Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.  Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.  Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"  Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.  Advantages: Pays attention to you.  Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite".  Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.  Advantages: Predictable.   Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don't give me that look."  Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.  Advantages: Often right.  Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career? goals?"  Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.   Advantages: Easily soothed.  Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "Lez get drunk an' make love on a front lawn. Also known as: Fast girl, free wheeler, good time charleena, passed out.  Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.  Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at".  Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.  Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.    Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you". Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.  Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.  Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are".  Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.  Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.  Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Bachelor Made His Bed

Q: What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
A: Once, when it was still in the factory.