How To Be A Man!

1. Don't call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"
12. Deny everything. Everything.
13. Don't have a clue.
14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
17. Lie.
18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."
19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.
20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
26. Lie.
27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.
29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.
31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.
32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.
35. Practice your blank stare.
36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.
39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
40. Lie.

Two doctors in Hawaii

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii. As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, "Look at the legs among that group." "Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "But I'm a chest man myself."

Big Air

The boys made a bet to see who could fart the hardest. To settle the bet, they filled a pan filled with flour and leveled it. Whoever can displace the most flour wins.
The first boy crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settles, they see the pan has only half the flour as it did to begin with.
"I can do better than that." Said the second boy. They refilled the pan and leveled the top.
The second boy crouches over the pan and lets a mighty one go. Only one-quarter of the flour remains.
The neighbor girl who has been watching curiously walks over and asks what the boys are doing. They explain their friendly game and to their surprise, she says, "That's nothing. I can do better than either of you two."
Well, the two boys fill the pan with flour and level it. Certainly this girl has nothing to bring to the table.
She crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settled, there wasn't a single bit left in the pan.
The boys are taken aback! The first one asks, "how in the world were you able to beat us at our own game?"
The second boy lifts up the girls skirt to take a peek and yells, "Just what I thought! Double barrels!!"