Defining the Perfect Woman

What's the definition of a perfect woman?

1. Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
2. The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
3. The economy model fucks all evening and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Sex Therapy

A man visits a sex therapist for help because he and his wife don't climax at the same time. The therapist tells the man that he once had the same problem and solved it by keeping a gun underneath his pillow. When he would be about to come, he'd fire the gun and his wife would come, too. The man thanks the therapist and promises to try it. He comes back the next week, pale and distraught. "What's wrong?" asks the therapist. "Well," the man says, "I tried your technique. I placed a .45 underneath the pillow, and that night when I was 69'ing with my wife, I fired the gun just as I was about to come." "And?" "She sh*t on my face and bit my d**k off."

Woman Visits the Gynecologist

A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, "Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened!" She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, "I've never seen anything like this. How far down does it go?" She says, "All the way down to my penis! And that's the other thing we have to talk about!"