Flying Condoms

Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: Because it was pissed off.

Defining the Perfect Woman

What's the definition of a perfect woman?

1. Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
2. The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
3. The economy model fucks all evening and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Sex Therapy

A man visits a sex therapist for help because he and his wife don't climax at the same time. The therapist tells the man that he once had the same problem and solved it by keeping a gun underneath his pillow. When he would be about to come, he'd fire the gun and his wife would come, too. The man thanks the therapist and promises to try it. He comes back the next week, pale and distraught. "What's wrong?" asks the therapist. "Well," the man says, "I tried your technique. I placed a .45 underneath the pillow, and that night when I was 69'ing with my wife, I fired the gun just as I was about to come." "And?" "She sh*t on my face and bit my d**k off."