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Sex Jokes - Masturbation Jokes
Voodoo Dick
Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. One day, the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos. "Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection." However, after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him. "Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?" "This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise." All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door." The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer. Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box." The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?" "Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family heirloom and is not for sale." "Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, okay." So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man. The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'. With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was beginning to tire and getting a bit sore. She realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. The woman got into her car and raced to the hospital. While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over. "Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer. "Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I don't know how to stop it." To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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You'll Go Blind
Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.
"Billy," said his dad, "doing that will make you go blind"
"Dad," he replied, "I'm over here!"
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Under The Truck
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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