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The best jokes and joke writers!

Second Chance

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I pointed to small circle and said, "This is your ass hole before prison....."

Four Golfers

Four men are out golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully, "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house."  The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car."  The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a vacation home in Miami.  "Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami!"

Misunderstood

My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

Split Bar

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent. He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.  Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man. The man seated asks, "You got a problem, buddy?" He replied, "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

Alligator Bet

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A gay guy timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."