Chasing Off Racoons

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent a woman and husband out to the garage. There they spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat dish. They shooed them away and went back to bed. Later that week they were driving home and the wife noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. "Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?" she asked. "Hard to tell," said her husband. "They were wearing masks."

Christmas Surprise

My boyfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time I orgasm during sex. That's all I'm spending on him for Christmas.
So far, his roommate is getting an Xbox Series X. He's getting nothing.

Usually Wrong

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.