Angels When a Bell Rings

Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel...

• Spit-polishes his halo
• Buys a maxi-pad with wings
• Drops out of a so-called "Choir of Angels" because that's really just a place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God's butt
• Orders a plate of "Hades Hot" Buffalo wings
• Drinks a little too much of Junior's blood and falls off a cloud
• Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band "Wings"
• Takes a heavenly crap
• Decides to reveal the Lord's majesty to the masses by appearing on some aluminum siding in east Texas
• Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
• Sits down for dinner
• Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
• Gets his union card
• Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
• Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic and deserving angel
• Tells a mortal, "Oh c'mon, jump already! I don't got all day!"

Lady Di at Heavens Gates

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse." Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible." Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver." Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?" "No, I'm Mother Theresa."

Policemen in Heaven

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"