Don't Step On the Ducks

One night I dreamed I went to heaven. When I got there, St. Peter was waiting on me. He said, "Before we go in I need to tell you, don't step on the ducks!" So we walked in and I saw ducks EVERYWHERE! St. Peter was showing me around and we got pretty far when I saw a woman tied to a stinky man. Very very stinky. I asked, "Why are they tied together?" St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on a duck." So we walked a little more and we saw another woman tied to a very very VERY stinky man. I asked, "Why are they tied together?" St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on 2 ducks." So we went a little farther and I saw Hillary Clinton tied to a very handsome man. I said, "Well she must have done something really good." St. Peter said, "Nope, he stepped on a duck."

Three Reform Rabbis Go To Heaven

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying... 'Closed for the Holiday'!!!"

Angels When a Bell Rings

Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel...

• Spit-polishes his halo
• Buys a maxi-pad with wings
• Drops out of a so-called "Choir of Angels" because that's really just a place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God's butt
• Orders a plate of "Hades Hot" Buffalo wings
• Drinks a little too much of Junior's blood and falls off a cloud
• Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band "Wings"
• Takes a heavenly crap
• Decides to reveal the Lord's majesty to the masses by appearing on some aluminum siding in east Texas
• Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
• Sits down for dinner
• Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
• Gets his union card
• Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
• Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic and deserving angel
• Tells a mortal, "Oh c'mon, jump already! I don't got all day!"