Clinton and Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

Don't Step On the Ducks

One night I dreamed I went to heaven. When I got there, St. Peter was waiting on me. He said, "Before we go in I need to tell you, don't step on the ducks!" So we walked in and I saw ducks EVERYWHERE! St. Peter was showing me around and we got pretty far when I saw a woman tied to a stinky man. Very very stinky. I asked, "Why are they tied together?" St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on a duck." So we walked a little more and we saw another woman tied to a very very VERY stinky man. I asked, "Why are they tied together?" St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on 2 ducks." So we went a little farther and I saw Hillary Clinton tied to a very handsome man. I said, "Well she must have done something really good." St. Peter said, "Nope, he stepped on a duck."

Three Reform Rabbis Go To Heaven

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying... 'Closed for the Holiday'!!!"