Joan of Arc

Q: What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
A: "Well done."

Pedophile at Heavens Gates

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?" "Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

Suing Hell

A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven. He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell." "Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked. "We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied. So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell. When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty," so he started to clean the place up. A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven. "Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" said the devil. "Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back. "And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."