Up A Tree

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, so he called her down, gave her two dollars and told her to buy a razor.

The Pope vs. The Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand. "The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that. "The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head. "The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope headbutts her.

Alien in Rome

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square on Easter Sunday. A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!" A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien. "Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"