Moses Goes to the Doctor

Moses goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, as you know I'm an avid hiker, but lately I can't climb a mountain without getting terrible stomach cramps and gas.  Do you have anything that can make my trip more pleasant?"
The doctor said, "Here, take these two tablets, just try not to break them."

Return to Confession

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." He replies: “Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher is in heaven and she goes into God's office. "I've been up here for a few days, and I don't have a halo yet. George Michael has one, why don't I?"
God explains that there is a back order, but since he loved her in "Star Wars" he will bump her on the list.
So she gets her halo and she's happy for a few days. Then goes back into God's office angry as hell.
"You know, I ran into Dale Earnhardt today. Nice guy, but his halo is 3 times the size if mine. I was Princess Leia, and all he did was drive a car and turn left."
God interrupts her and tells her "That's not a halo it's a steering wheel."