Not Going to Church

A couple was having their Sunday morning breakfast when the wife went to get her Sunday church clothes on. When she returned, the husband was still in his bathrobe. "Aren't you going to church this morning?" asked the wife. "No, I'm not going this morning. In fact, I'm not going to church anymore at all." "What do you mean, we've gone to church for years, so why the change?" He responded, "Look, there are people at that church who don't like me, and frankly, there are people at that church that I don't like, and I'M NOT GOING!" She answered back, "I'll give you two good reasons why you need to go to church. One, you're 42 years old. Two, you gotta go, you're the preacher."

Dirty Little Nuns

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.
"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!" The man continues to wash their windows.
"Show him your cross," says the other nun.
"Okay. Fuck off!"

God Made Eve First

In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breast she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts -- could he please do something to help her? So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful. When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she. "Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?