Chemist's Fast Prayer

Chemist's fast prayer: Dear Lord, if I mix sodium with concentrated HNO3, and add to it Plutonium, would you take care of me?

Not Going to Church

A couple was having their Sunday morning breakfast when the wife went to get her Sunday church clothes on. When she returned, the husband was still in his bathrobe. "Aren't you going to church this morning?" asked the wife. "No, I'm not going this morning. In fact, I'm not going to church anymore at all." "What do you mean, we've gone to church for years, so why the change?" He responded, "Look, there are people at that church who don't like me, and frankly, there are people at that church that I don't like, and I'M NOT GOING!" She answered back, "I'll give you two good reasons why you need to go to church. One, you're 42 years old. Two, you gotta go, you're the preacher."

Dirty Little Nuns

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.
"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!" The man continues to wash their windows.
"Show him your cross," says the other nun.
"Okay. Fuck off!"