Men's Rude Awakening

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things:
God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

The Hundred Nuns

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee. The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee. The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

Stress-Relieving Prayer

Stress-Relieving Prayer;
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen.