God's First Name

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."
The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically correct, so I will give you credit." Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that. Peter then asked the third question; God's first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know, it's in the prayer: 'Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...?"

Dirty Little Nuns

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.
"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!" The man continues to wash their windows.
"Show him your cross," says the other nun.
"Okay. Fuck off!"

God Made Eve First

In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breast she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts -- could he please do something to help her? So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful. When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she. "Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?