Old Pastor

OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor

Hillary and Clocks in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.''

Satan's Beatitudes

• Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church - they are my best workers.
• Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - I can use them in my business.
• Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church - verily, they shall be my missionaries.
• Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble - they are my beloved children.
• Blessed are those who have no time to pray - for they are MY prey.
• Blessed are those who gossip - for they are my secret agents.
• Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. - I've got room for YOU at my inn.