Rich Man's Unfortunate Daughter

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who said, "If you marry my daughter, I will give you my house and all of my money." Sure enough the guy says yes. The rich man then warned him that his daughter had been in a terrible car accident and was a little messed up, both physically and mentally. The guy figures she couldn't be that messed up and doesn't change his mind. So he married the girl -- who was that messed up -- and on the honeymoon, instead of having to look at her, he put a paper bag over her head when they were having sex. And the guy used the bag every time they had sex after that
One day, while the guy was doing some work around the house, he dropped his hammer and said, "Honey, can you get the hammer for me?" The wife shuffled around muttering, "Huh? Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and finally picked it up. After she gave it back to him, he dropped the box of nails and asked, "Honey, can you get nails for me?" She went to fetch it, mumbling, "Huh? Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails and he goes back to work.
While the guy is hammering a nail, he accidentally struck his thumb and shouted, "Aww, fuck!" The wife says, "Huh? get the bag, get the bag, get the bag...."

Husband Prognosis

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, "so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?" And the wife said, "Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die."

Marriage Quotes 5

• Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw
• One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894
• I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer
• Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the common sensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
• At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
• I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan
• The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez
• Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde
• Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde
• Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf