No One Home

One woman I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Twins

My girlfriend said "I'm seeing someone behind your back"
I said "I know, that's my conjoined twin, Michael"

Loving Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side. She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest." "But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father." "Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"