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Relationship Jokes
Granny Rules
My Grandad was wounded by a German during the war
Granny Schneider found him in bed with another woman and shot him
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Dear Ann Dilemma
Dear Ann,
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
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Honeymoon Surprise
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, walks to his wife's horse and helps her out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead. The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!" The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
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