A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down.  She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.  She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.  She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.  She will make sure he always feels as thought he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible....
No wait....SORRY.  I was thinking of whiskey.  It's whiskey that does all that shit.  Never mind....

Cheating Boyfriend

A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

Santa's Wife

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.