How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Pee
6. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
7. Wash your face.
8. Wash your armpits.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed.
22. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Excuses for Refusing Dates

Your Age : Excuse
17 : Need to wash my hair
25 : Need to wash and condition my hair
35 : Need to color my hair
48 : Need to have Francois color my hair
66 : Need to have Francois color my wig

Death By Stabbing

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is. He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger. Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.