Twins

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.
I saw her on Tinder.

Get There First

“I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: if it’s true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgement, I don’t want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.”

Open-minded Insult

Insult: Hey, you're not much of a looker, but I'll date you.
Response: Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?